Getting stuff out of my head!

For the past few days, I have been thinking about a certain few people in my life.  The situations between us are just beyond my control and there isn't much I can do about it.  But I just can't stop thinking about it, so the only thing I think might help me is to write about it, so here goes!

Person #1: I miss her so much, and it truly kills me that I can't see her or even be more involved in her life.  She is so young and I have missed out on so much of her life.  She is my sister. I have tried to be a part of her life, but for whatever the reasons are, my dad and her mom make it seem like they don't want me around her.  I would never hurt her or do anything to her but love her and be there for her.  I am the only sister she will ever have, just like our brother is the only brother we will ever have.  She needs that sibling love and they have pretty much gone out of their way to make sure I feel so uncomfortable around them that I don't want to stir the pot.  I call up there, they never call me back.  They rarely call anyway, and when they do, it's just so awkward.  I just don't know what to do about it, should I confront them and most likely make things worse, so just live with it and wait it out til she is old enough to drive or be on her own and then hope and pray she wants a relationship with me?

Person #2: This one is my brother.  We sort of had a falling out last year and it has just been weird between us ever since.  My opinion of what he did really hurt me and he has never done that before.  We have always been so close, and I don't think what he did was intentional.  I just feel like it was careless and that he didn't take into consideration other peoples feelings.  I've gotten over what happened, we started talking about it again and agreed to disagree.  But ever since then, just seems like he has this odd attitude about things and gets into more disagreements with me and over the smallest things too. It almost seems like he is just irritated with me, but he doesn't understand certain things I am going through and has this view of life being a certain way.  It's fine for him, but not for everyone else.  I know he is super busy and probably tired of hearing me whine about my problems.  So I have not been talking to him about it so much.  He was my one true outlet for a lot of things and I feel like maybe he is just going in a certain direction in life and wants to do his own thing.  That's fine, I completely understand that.  I love him to pieces!!  I just don't understand the superior attitude he throws at me sometimes.  I am like 10 years older than him and in many ways, it seems like he is the older one.  It's just weird and I don't know what to do about that either. 

Person #3: Oh man!!  This guy, lemme tell ya.... I have been seeing him (not dating him, just hanging out) for a couple months and he has a girlfriend.  I just hang out with him once in awhile and I have such a crush on him for all the wrong reasons.  He is no one I would EVER want as a boyfriend or husband, but when we are together, I dunno, can't really describe it but I just love it when we are together.

Person #4: I'm really worried about this person. Her situation is so bad and there isn't anything I can do to help her.  I mean I do what I can, but she needs a major change and I just sit here worrying about her to the point I get irritated with others and have cried about it.  I pray everyday for her, but it just isn't enough. 

So those are the 4 people that I have been thinking a lot about lately.  It's tough, but I just gotta ride it out.  There..... I do feel a lil better getting my thoughts gathered.  Until next time....

------------------------
I'm going to add a 5th person here.  Someone I am pretty smitten by. 

When I am with him, I notice my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. My toes curl when he touches me. The butterflies flutter around when he kisses me and my entire body relaxes at the sound of his voice.

It's a bittersweet situation, I feel one way about it and hope for another way.  My heart tells me to let go and go for it, but my head has this HUGE wall around my heart and tells my heart to shut the hell up, it's NEVER gonna work and I am wasting my time.  When this happens, I usually go with my gut, it has never let me down.  So I turned to that gut feeling and what does it tell me????  It's telling me to wait and see....

Thanks gut... yer no help at all!

Just wish there was a sign from person #5 to tell me how he feels.  My self conscience says that he isn't interested in me like that... I think my self conscience is buddy buddy with my head.  It makes me say things that I don't really mean to protect my heart.

My soul is hanging out with my heart though and whispering on the other side of the wall that he's the one.  Soul says that it's time and I should give it another shot. What do I have to lose?  But my soul has been wrong before.  My soul makes fun of my dignity all the time.  Poor dignity..... you get lost way too often.

What I wish I could do is find a really nice guy that I can date and fall in love with and eventually get married and have it be real and wonderful.  I've been dating guys for about a year now and none of them have lead to anything serious or worthy.  It's just disappointing.  If I meet someone else, I know my attention will be on them.  But for now, I am just crushing so bad and it's bothering me because I know I shouldn't and honestly don't want to.  It's worse when you don't even know how they feel about you.  I just can't make that first step and get that embarrassing rejection.  That part scares the hell out of me.  I really don't like that I feel this way.....

I guess I just have no choice but to go with my gut and wait and see.